


Gold Kryptonite

by Cassie_Bones



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Everybody tries to help, F/F, Gen, Gold Kryptonite, Kara loses her powers, PTSD-sort of, Therapy, slight supercorp - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 23:42:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10729731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cassie_Bones/pseuds/Cassie_Bones
Summary: Kara is affected by Gold Kryptonite and has to adjust to losing her powers. Warning for Depression.





	Gold Kryptonite

**Author's Note:**

  * For [queercapwriting (queergirlwriting)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/queergirlwriting/gifts).



**Gold Kryptonite**

**Five minutes after…**

When she awoke, there was a dull throbbing in her skull. Every bone in her body ached and she could swear that she was suddenly deaf. She couldn’t hear _anything_. Not the way she used to, anyway. Maybe there was something lodged in her ear…

But when Kara reached up, she let out a cry at the sharp pain that shot up her arm and radiated through her shoulder and back. Tears pricked at her eyes as she cradled that arm to her chest and waited for it to subside. She hadn’t felt this bad since her last solar flare. It was even getting hard to breathe with all the smoke surrounding her. And there was a dull ringing noise somewhere in the distance. It sounded familiar, but no matter how hard she tried, Kara couldn’t make out the exact sound it was making…

“Kara!” There was a crash and a rumble and then she could hear Alex’s voice, clear as day. “Kara! Are you there? Kara! Answer me!”

“H…” She choked on the dust swirling around and tried, desperately to clear her throat and ignore the pain in her shoulder. “Here,” she coughed. “A-Alex. H-here!” Her voice was only marginally louder, but her sister must have heard it because she suddenly heard footsteps heading in her direction, getting louder and louder, Alex’s voice filtering through the smoke.

“Kara! Oh my God, Kara!” She heard the crunch of rocks as Alex dropped to her knees right next to her, but Kara was too tired to open her eyes. She was just so sleepy. Maybe if she just took a nap…right here…just for moment…

* * *

 

**Two hours after…**

The next time she awoke, Kara was laying underneath a sun lamp, but it didn’t give her any kind of relief—not like it usually did. Instead, the throbbing in her head intensified and she lifted her uninjured arm, blocking the light from her vision.

“Kara?” She blinked her eyes open at the sound of the familiar voice and she turned her head, groaning at the twinge in her neck. Alex and J’onn stood there, frowning grimly at her. Alex’s eyes were red, as if she’d been crying—or, more likely, like she had been holding back tears—for hours. J’onn’s hand was on her shoulder and his head was bowed. “Hey, sunshine,” Alex said, her voice tight as she attempted a watery smile. “How are you feeling?”

“Like crap,” Kara replied. “Can you turn off the sunlamp? I think it’s giving me a headache.”

Alex and J’onn shared a silent look and Kara could swear that a tear rolled down Alex’s cheek, but then she was turning away and flicking a switch and the lamp above Kara’s head went dark. She felt a bit better in the darkness, but she was still confused.

“What happened?” she murmured, looking to Alex and J’onn. “All I remember is an explosion and then…nothing. I can’t even…what exploded?”

“A device,” J’onn informed her. “A bomb that Cadmus had made. It contained…Kryptonite.”

“That’s why I feel so weak,” Kara groaned. “How long until I get my powers back?” They shared another meaningful look and Kara sighed. “Can you stop doing that and just _talk_ to me?”

“Kara,” Alex said, turning to look at her, finally. “That’s…that’s the thing. This wasn’t your average, radioactive _green_ , garden-variety Kryptonite. It was…gold.”

“Gold?”

J’onn nodded. “Gold Kryptonite,” he affirmed. “It destroys the cells in a Kryptonian’s body that allows them to absorb and gain power from the yellow sun.”

“So how do I reverse that?” Kara asked. “I mean, how do we repair these cells?”

Alex turned away and Kara watched as her shoulders began to shake with sobs. J’onn placed his hand on the older woman’s shoulder as he frowned at Kara. “Unfortunately, Miss Danvers,” he said, with sorrow and apology laced in his voice, “there is currently no way to undo the effects of Gold Kryptonite. I am very sorry.”

Suddenly, Kara’s entire world went black.

* * *

 

**Two days after…**

She was discharged from the DEO medical bay with her arm in a sling and stitches in her forehead. Alex helped her home, holding her uninjured hand as she drove across National City, to Kara’s apartment. She was talking about something or other that had to do with Kara’s recovery (“which will be only a little bit slower than you’re used to, Kara, but soon you’ll be back on your feet and training to be an agent, again”) but Kara could barely hear her as she stared out the window at the city that had become her home so many years ago.

It seemed _different_ , somehow. The sky above them seemed duller. The people passed by in a blur; she couldn’t make out the individual persons anymore. And, try as she might, she couldn’t hear the passing conversations or the giggles of the tiny children walking, one after the other, down the street on the safety rope, like a line of ducklings after their teacher. They waved to the cars with bright smiles and their lips formed greetings that Kara couldn’t hear and somehow that made all the difference.

Tears formed in Kara’s eyes and she bit her lip hard enough to taste blood, which she was quickly coming familiar with now that her skin was no longer indestructible. Alex continued to chat as if she noticed nothing, but Kara felt the telltale squeeze of her hand and felt her sister’s understanding in the tips of her calloused fingers.

 _I’m here for you_ , they seemed to say. _I’m always here for you_.

When they arrived at the apartment, it was Alex that carried all their things up the stairs to Kara’s apartment. Usually, it would Kara who carried the burden—which always felt more like she was carrying a simple cup of coffee—but she couldn’t very well do that with one busted shoulder and zero strength, could she?

Alex unlocked the door and stepped inside before her, placing all of Kara’s things down next to the door and taking the—now useless—super suit to the rack of clothes in her bedroom, hanging it up while Kara watched, trying not to cry or rage or do any of the things she longed to do.

Usually, when she was feeling this worked up, she would jump out her window and fly as far as she could, as fast as she could, for as long as she could. She would go somewhere nobody lived and just scream out her frustrations. She would…she would…

But she couldn’t do that anymore and she felt helpless. Helpless because her voice was still too raw to so much as scream, anyway. Helpless because she was in constant pain and the only thing that helped were the pills that she’d never even had to take and she was too stubborn to swallow them right now. Helpless because there was no way she could ever be Supergirl again.

“Winn’s going to try, you know?” Alex’s voice startled Kara and she turned tear-filled eyes to her big sister, who was giving her that consoling expression that Kara hated. “He’s working with all the big nerds at the DEO to see if they can figure out a way to reverse the effects of the Gold Kryptonite. Clark even donated some of his own blood to try and help out with that. We’re gonna find the cure, alright?”

“The cure?” Kara huffed. “I’m not sick, Alex. I’m just…I’m human now. That’s all. I’m like you.”

“Yeah, and it’s destroying you,” Alex pointed out. “Which I get, don’t get me wrong. I’d be depressed, too, if I had that kind of power and then it was just…” she trailed off with a sigh. “But we’re gonna fix it, okay? You’ll have your powers back in no time, you’ll see.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“I know,” Alex sighed. “But I’m going to do my hardest to make it happen. Okay?” Kara nodded and Alex gave her a small grin. “And, if not, you’ll just become a kickass DEO agent like me.”

That made Kara smile for real. When she was younger, she’d always wanted to be just like her big sister. This may be her chance. Finally.

She just wished she felt better about it.

* * *

 

**Two weeks after…**

She thought she may have been depressed.

Everything was duller. Colors not as vibrant, sounds less brash, smell less of an assault on her nose…gravity pulling down on her incessantly, making her feel heavier, as if she might sink into the ground beneath her feet. Her arm had almost completely healed, but she still felt sore all over and she wondered if this was how _all_ humans felt. Did they just get used to the aches and pains? How could they possibly do that when it was so perpetual and insistent?

Alex tried to distract her with Sister Nights and even suffered through hours of romantic comedies just to see Kara smile again. Maggie would meet her for a drink at the alien bar and listen to the rants that the blonde couldn’t bear to burden Alex with. She didn’t even _like_ ranting to Maggie, but the smaller woman insisted that she could take it. She shared some of her own childhood trauma with Kara to get her started and it made her feel a little bit…better. Somehow.

Like she wasn’t alone in thinking that maybe the world was against her.

Lena funded the DEO’s research into Gold Kryptonite and she assisted Alex and Winn in making something that could possibly reverse the affects. She took Kara’s blood every week and made her blush and giggle with compliments and nerdy chemistry jokes. Their flirting increased with every passing day and Kara felt a bit of hope bloom in chest every time she saw Lena’s face.

But it didn’t last long.

Kara found herself sleeping a lot more often, her energy draining by late afternoon every single day. Sometimes, she made it home before she passed out, but most days she fell asleep curled in a chair, her head pillowed on her arms on a desk, her snores filtering through the DEO while her co-workers looked on with sympathetic looks. Alex usually shooed them away and hefted her sister’s sleeping body into her arms, carrying her to one of the extra beds in the med bay.

Kara would wake up shrouded in a blanket, hair pushed away from her face and glasses—which she no longer needed, but wore for comfort—folded on a table next to her. In those moments, she felt loved but still not much better.

“Maybe you should see somebody,” Maggie suggested one day as they shared a drink at the bar. Kara only ever allowed herself half a beer anymore. And a club soda. Alcohol made her feel fuzzy, but it also helped ease the pain a little bit. She suddenly understood why Alex kept her apartment well-stocked with scotch, whiskey, and vodka.

“I am seeing somebody,” Kara retorted. “You’re—”

“Not me,” Maggie said, before Kara could finish her thought. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, Little Danvers; I love talking to you and listening to you, but I just…I can’t be the only one, you know? I can’t help as much as I would like to and you need to speak to somebody that can give you good, life-saving advice.”

“Like…a psychiatrist? But I’m not crazy.”

“You don’t have to be crazy to see a therapist, Kara,” Maggie sighed. “You know that.” Kara looked away, ashamedly. “Just promise me you’ll think about it, okay? I’m sure J’onn can get you somebody with enough security clearance to talk with somebody about your…the thing.”

“Supergirl,” Kara murmured. “You can say it, you know. I won’t spontaneously combust.”

Maggie chuckled at that and reached out, squeezing her hand. “I know,” she said. “I know that you won’t. But, if I’m being honest, hearing the words ‘Valentine’s Day’ still makes me want to break down sometimes. You just have to take it one day at a time, alright?”

Kara nodded. “Okay,” she said. She took another sip of her beer and allowed the fuzziness to set in.

* * *

 

**Two months after…**

“So how are you doing today, Kara?” Dr. Levesque asked in a calm, serene voice that honestly grated sometimes on Kara’s nerves.

She took a deep breath, her fingers fumbling with a piece of Play-Doh that Alex had given her to help with her anxiety and shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

“How are the new meds treating you?” She’d prescribed Lexapro and Kara had been surprised how soon it took effect.

“I feel fuzzy,” Kara admitted, honestly. “Like I can’t really focus on anything completely, you know?”

“Well, that’s normal,” the doctor said. “It takes a few days to get used to them, but then you should start feeling better.”

“I hope that’s soon,” Kara sighed. “I have to…I’m supposed to be in training right now. For the DEO.”

“That’s right,” Dr. Levesque said with a smile. “You and your sister—Alex, right?—you two are said to be the most lethal in the agency. How does that make you feel?”

Kara groaned. “That is such a typical therapy question,” she said. “Can’t you be any more original?”

“I don’t really know how else to phrase it to get the response I want,” the doctor laughed. “Do you feel proud of the work you’re doing with Alex?”

“Yes, of course,” Kara said. “We’re helping people, aren’t we? We’re helping displaced aliens stay safe from Cadmus and we’re detaining and reforming rogue aliens until they’re actual functioning members of society. What’s not to be proud of?”

“Do you feel like you’re doing everything that you could be?” Kara opened her mouth to answer, but then closed it again and looked away. “Kara?”

“No,” she replied, honestly. “I mean, I _know_ that I am. Without my powers, I am doing everything in my power to make sure that the people of this city—this _country_ —are as safe as can be, but at the same time…” She fought back tears and looked up at the ceiling. “I used to be able to do _so much more_ , you know? I was stronger and faster and I could _fly_. I just…I want to be able to do that again. I just want my powers back.”

Dr. Levesque picked up the tissue box on the coffee table and offered it to her, silently. Kara plucked one and dabbed at her eyes.

“I want to be Supergirl again. I want little girls to look up to me and not just wonder where I went. I want people to know that I’m there for them and not think that I’ve abandoned them. I want to be National City’s hero again.”

“You _are_ , Kara,” Dr. Levesque insisted. “Even without the suit, you are doing as much to keep this city safe as any police officer or fire fighter. You are putting your life on the line and fighting despite the war that’s going on inside. That is what makes you a true hero. Not the recognition you get from little girls or the blue suit and red boots. You have the heart of a hero and the fact that you want to help so badly that you are beating yourself up inside means that you always have. Your heart is so big, Kara, and I want you to keep reminding yourself of that whenever you feel down. You are stronger than a blue suit. Okay?”

Kara nodded, beyond words at the moment. She could barely breathe through the tears and she grabbed another tissue, blowing her nose and forcing herself to take deep breaths through her mouth until the panic attack that she felt starting to come on, ebbed away until it was nothing but a dull ache in the bit of her stomach.

She _was_ a hero, with or without the suit. And she would do her best, every day, to prove it.

Even if it was just to herself.

* * *

 

**One year after…**

“You can do it, Kara!” Alex encouraged. “Just jump!”

“But what if it doesn’t work?” Kara retorted, frowning. “What if I jump and I just…fall?”

“Then you get right back up,” Maggie said, standing next to Alex with her arms crossed over her chest. “And we still love you just as much as we did before you jumped.”

“Promise?” Kara asked.

“Promise,” they all chorused. Along with Alex and Maggie stood J’onn, Winn, James, Lena, Lucy, and Agent Vasquez. They were all giving her comforting smiles and clapping, hoping to egg her on.

“You can do this, Kara,” James encouraged. “Just let yourself believe it.”

Kara nodded, her heart pounding in her chest as she looked down over the ledge. J’onn was poised to catch her in case the serum that Winn, Alex, and Lena had manufactured didn’t work. It was a long shot but Winn had assured Kara that they had high hopes as the practice run had resulted in high cell regeneration in the blood samples she’d given them.

Still, there was a chance that it wouldn’t be a permanent solution, even if it _did_ give her powers back.

“There’s always a risk,” Alex had reminded her, “in everything we do. There’s always a risk. But sometimes the benefits outweigh them, right? So you might as well jump.”

Kara had agreed, but that was a month ago when they’d first saw the evidence. She’d only just had her first dose a week ago and she still didn’t feel much stronger than she had before. So if it didn’t work…what would that mean for her?

Kara turned back to look at her friends—her _family­—_ and her…Lena. Lena who had become something a little bit more to her in the last year. Would she still feel that way about Kara if her serum didn’t work? Would she feel like she had failed her? Would Kara?

Lena Luthor had once called Kara—not Supergirl, but _Kara Danvers_ —her hero. How true was that? Did she know that she was Supergirl back then? Was she just pretending not to? What if she was just pretending? What if….

There were thousands of What-If’s running through Kara’s mind right now and Dr. Levesque had always told her that they would never quiet in her mind if she didn’t start taking the steps to answer them. If she didn’t at least _try_.

So she tried. She took a deep breath and took a step off the ledge, feeling the wind flutter through her hair as she focused her mind. She felt the cells in her body begin to vibrate; it was faint, at first, but before she knew it, all motion had stopped. The wind was no longer in her hair, but she also wasn’t hurtling towards the ground anymore. She just…was.

Opening her eyes, Kara looked down and found herself several inches away from the pavement. She looked up and saw J’onn hovering above her, a wide grin on his lips. She attempted to fly toward him, but found herself unable to rise any more. She sighed, but the smile didn’t leave her lips, because it had _worked_.

Slightly.

There was still a long way to go, but she finally had a glimmer of hope that was brighter than it had been in the last year since her accident. And that was enough.

She lowered herself gently to the ground, her face pointed toward the roof she’d just leapt from and she waved to all her friends looking over the side. They cheered for her and suddenly it was as if Kara had all her super-strength back.

Only it was much, _much_ better.


End file.
